The Overheard Blog 2012-01-20T21:13:53-06:00 http://ftaires.com/overheard Nathan Nichols ndnichols@gmail.com at the dining room table 2012-01-20T00:00:00-06:00 http://ftaires.com/overheard/2012/01/20/at-the-dining-room-table
A: Junk, junk, junk. Do you want this Land's End catalog?
B: Ha!
A: Junk, junk. Huh. That's weird.
B: What?
A: This letter, it's post-marked January 20, 2012. That's... that's exactly 18 months from today!
B: How queer! Who's it from?
A: That's the strangest part. It's from... me! Or, rather, some presumably futuristic version of me.
B: Maybe you're the past version of him!
A: !
B: What does it say?
It reads, "Dear me: I thought I would give you a quick heads up about some things that are going to go down in the next 18 months. First, your job will be awesome, go ahead and start feeling extremely fortunate about that now. Turning your back on the other job that you chased for six months will turn out to be one of the best decisions you'll ever make. Second, you'll live in Bucktown, off the Blue Line. You'll love it. Bucktown is that neighborhood you went to once, and the Blue Line is the one that goes to O'Hare. You rode it one time. Your place will be sweet, and your roommate will be awesome. (You don't know him yet, but you met once at a get-together.) Third, you'll spend one or two nights a week with a hobby that you haven't tried yet. You'll share this hobby with no one that you know now, and they will be great, and you'll love it. Fourth, almost every one of your friends in Chicago will move away, and you'll be happy for them, and they for you. Fifth, you'll have great new friends in Chicago, don't sweat it. Sixth, you'll be dating someone (you haven't met her yet) and be excited about it. (Oh, you'll be divorced, too. I know, right?) Seventh and not unrelatedly, you'll have a newfound appreciation for your family. Eighth, you'll ride a jetpack to work everyday. Ok, I think that's everything. I just wanted to let you know that while it might get kind of crazy in there, it all works out in the end. (I know you just thought about that part in Watchmen when Dr. Manhattan is all like, 'The end, Adrian? Nothing ever ends.' and is awesome. He's right, of course, but you know what I mean.) Anyways, take it easy! PS: One of these is a lie, can you guess which one? PPS, I initially wrote you a longer letter with more details, but the original got burnt by my jetpack's exhaust and I didn't want to rewrite the whole thing. PPSS I'm obviously totally kidding, the jetpack one is the lie. PPPSS, OR IS IT? PPPSSS, Yeah, it definitely is, clearly."
at Hot Chocolate's 2012-01-20T00:00:00-06:00 http://ftaires.com/overheard/2012/01/20/at-hot-chocolate's
A: How's the ol' short story going, man?
B: Oh, really good, actually, thanks, I feel like I've made a ton of progress lately.
A: Terrific.
B: Yeah, I think I finally have a good handle on the main character, and sort of getting character established early, right out of the gate.
A: Perfect. How are you doing it?
B: Well, heh. I'm a bit embarrassed now.
A: Oh, no, don't be
B: Well, it's just, I like my opening lines, I think it sets him up.
A: What are they?
B: Well... Ok, I'll just read them. Ahem. Oh, I should say, that, the main character, who's the narrator really and is retelling a story that happened to him earlier in his life, his name is never mentioned. But I have him nicknamed The Stranger, and he's this sort of grizzled old man, telling this story at a bar. So, this first part is dialogue, and it's him talking, and it starts. Ahem. Now, I'm nervous, haha. Ok. Here we go. It starts, "Well, I guess you could say I've always been a little different. Everyone else drinks to remember, but me? Me, I drink to forget."
A: ...
B: You don't like it?
A: Can he also checkout any time he wants, but he can never leave?
B: What? No, he's not a guest
A: What's with the "Hotel California" then?
B: Wait, how did you know where it was set?
A: ... You're kidding. This is all actually set in a bar at the "Hotel California"?
B: Yeah, I just made up the name.
A: No, you didn't! It's a famous song! And "Some drink to remember, some drink to forget" is a lyric in it!
B: But it's different! That's not what The Stranger says! And even if he did, it's just a coincidence, I've never even heard of that song.
A: Oh, shut up. You totally have. It's the Eagles, everyone in the world has heard that song. Kazakh yak farmers sing along to the "But you just can't kill the beast" part.
B: I honestly have no idea what you're talking about.
A: Dude, you're either lying or have had a stroke or something. If you seriously don't know what I'm talking about, you need to go to the hospital, no joke.
B: ...
A: ...
B: I was just messing with you! Of course, I know that song, duh. I gave up on writing that story months ago.
in the kitchen of suite 1280 2011-10-27T00:00:00-05:00 http://ftaires.com/overheard/2011/10/27/in-the-kitchen-of-suite-1280
A: Did you see Stallman's speaking engagement rider?
B: No, who's he?
A: Oh, sorry, he's a real famous, eccentric open source dude. He looks like he was raised by wolves, chews his toenails during panels
B: Ha!
A: Yeah, for real. Anyways, he published this list of requirements he has for speaking engagements. And the dude is just totally bizarre, he lists the temperature range where he can sleep, and if it goes two degrees up, he needs a fan on, and two degrees more than that and he needs air conditioning.
B: Oh, wow.
A: Yeah. Super, super eccentric. But then with some of the stuff, you can see his convictions, and how important they are to him. Like he won't use cell phones, because you're not allowed to install software on them. He really sees that as almost like a prison. And it's just like, Wow, I think that's a really crazy thing to think. But to think it that strongly, and to really stick with it, it's admirable, I think, it really is. I don't admire his convictions, I think they're nuts, but his ability to live by them is really impressive, imho.
B: Well
A: I mean, I tried to be a vegan this summer and then I gave up on it. And I can make myself feel like a real piece of shit about it, no problem. It's like, my stated reasons for being a vegetarian, which is itself pretty fraught these days, but those stated reasons sort of force me to be a vegan, if I want to be coherent. But I really, really don't want to be a vegan. It's a huge pain in the ass, right? It's totally a lifestyle, in a way that being a vegetarian is not. But then, this boils down to, you know, "P" and "If P then Q", but then "Not Q". Which doesn't work. It's a fact to me that it's unethical to treat animals like shit and give them horrible lives just to eat them when there's other things to eat. I feel like I really believe that, I think that's why I'm mostly a vegetarian. But then, if I believe that, I have to also believe that it's unethical to treat animals like shit and give them horrible lives just to milk them, or take their eggs, when there's other things to eat. There's no real distinction there, to argue otherwise is just sophistry or casuistry or one of those other words I'm trying to learn. So I have to be a vegan. But I really don't want to be one. I just don't. So I have to either give up on even attempting to live a coherent life, one that follows ethical principles that I've decided on and believe in, or I just have to acknowledge that I'm a lazy, shitty person whose convictions only last until they're inconvenient. And I tried to make these distinctions, you know, "Oh, I won't be a vegan when I have dinner with someone, because it really also imposes on them, and it's sort of impolite to immediately discard 90% of the restaurants in the world as options because I need to find some place that actually even HAS vegan items," but then, it's like, am I actually discarding things that I believe in because they're vaguely impolite or socially awkward? It's not like factory farms are anywhere near the evil that slavery is, but you know, imagine abolitionists who didn't speak out against slavery when their neighbors were around, because it might be awkward. Look, if you have something that you think is right, and other people disagree with you, screw them. It doesn't matter. But then I didn't want to be a vegan, so I thought that if I weren't a vegetarian either, at least I'd be consistent, at least I'd make internal sense, but the idea of killing animals for my own bullshit philosophical wankery is obviously a terrible idea. That's horrible. But it's like, even if I were a vegan, where does it end? I can't wear leather, either. Ok, that's doable. But people are more Valuable than animals, more Important, with capital Vs and Is, and so, you know, I can't have phones made in terrible conditions either. I can't own anything made in those nightmarish factories in China and the rest of Asia. And I had this genuinely terrible, vertiginous moment where I could see what lay down this path, and it's me in a commune wearing a burlap sack or something. That's where that path leads. And I really don't want that, I just don't. And I don't trust myself here, really, but it doesn't seem to me that a world of burlap-wearing people in communes is better than this world. So. I don't know. I think it's just hopeless.
B: Jesus.
A: Yeah, sorry. I guess I sort of needed to dump that on somebody.
B: Yeah... So anyway. This Stallman dude doesn't have a phone?
A: Haha, yeah, apparently. I guess he sort of cheats, though, he's willing to use other people's phones to make calls.
B: That's total bullshit.
A: Well, I think that's sort of the outlier there with him.
B: What's his job?
A: I think he gives talks, and sends emails, and... Yeah, that kind of stuff I guess.
B: So he's full of shit. He's supposedly got these great convictions, but he's probably the only person alive who can actually live the life demanded by those convictions. His whole job is talking about himself and his movement, that's literally what he does for a living, and he has handlers or little Linux nerds that do the Yelp lookups for him because his convictions don't allow it, and if he needs to make a call, he just borrows a phone from the sinners around him that aren't enlightened like he is, and who instead have real responsibilities, and they need phones and cars to pick up their kids from soccer practice or visit their folks, and they have social lives and don't want to spend their Christmas fighting with their open source DVD player so their nieces and nephews can watch the Grinch. He lives in a fantasy world, he's totally detached from reality. He's no better than you are man, lighten up, Christ.
A: That's not comforting, though, right? Reducing Stallman to just another self-absorbed, cheating weirdo doesn't change my situation. It's not like I get off the hook for my own failings because Stallman isn't Jesus. Look. I really believe that there are basically two buckets of living, you know, one bucket is that you stand up for what you believe in, and one bucket is that you don't. And it doesn't matter how you fail yourself and live in that second bucket, it doesn't matter if you drink factory farm milk, or you drive drunk, or you cheat on your wife. It's all the same bucket, you know, "We've already established what you are, darling, now we're just haggling over the price." I know I'm in that second bucket. And the fact that, as far as I can tell, every other single person is in that second bucket too doesn't make it ok, it doesn't.
at The Lucky Number 2011-10-27T00:00:00-05:00 http://ftaires.com/overheard/2011/10/27/at-the-lucky-number
A: Well, you know, I definitely have a better idea of where some people are coming from.
B: What do you mean?
A: Well, I've obviously always lived a pretty charmed life. And it's not like I'm facing any real hardship now, at all, my mantra of "I remain the luckiest man alive" is at least metaphorically genuinely true. But it's fair to say that the bloom is off the rose, or, I've lost some of my sheen or something.
B: Well, it's not like anybody was cheering for you to get your comeuppance.
A: I hope not. I feel like everyone has been rooting for me, you know? I haven't picked up any schadenfreude vibes or anything from anyone. But yeah, so anyway, I feel like I understand other people better. I've moved beyond a sort of intellectual understanding of certain kinds of pain, to really being able to ID with people struggling with various things. And everyone's circumstances are different obviously, and most people's are still way tougher than mine, and there are better or worse, or at least healthier and less healthy ways of dealing with things, but yeah, I feel like I can appreciate people more, see where they're coming from better.
B: Well, that's a good thing right?
A: It should be. It definitely should be. But at this point, yeah, I don't know. I really don't like it. I've always had this sort of snotty attitude toward the people in history's garbage bin who went down arguing for their own exceptionalism. You know, "What's the problem, Pope Whatever? Does it blow your narrow little mind that the Earth is just another planet, that the universe doesn't orbit us? Are you too parochial to really grok that humans aren't special cases, that we fit right into the spectrum of the great apes?" And now, yeah. I don't know. I've definitely lost my snotty attitude there.
B: Well, this is your boy's thing, right, DFW? Doesn't This is Water talk about the importance of an Other-centered outlook, and compassion and companionship towards your fellow man? How you don't want to be "Master of a tiny skull-sized kingdom" and all that? Even Einstein had something about this, he wrote it in his neighbor boy's yearbook or something
A: Look
B: I mean, you're human, man, and this stuff is all part of the human experience, it really is
A: Look look look. You're right, you're right, you're totally right. Honest to God, I believe you. I'm just not there yet, I'm not.
B: I get that, it's ok, man.
A: I hope it is.
between a man and his unsupportive friend(?), one hightop over at The Green Eye 2011-10-20T00:00:00-05:00 http://ftaires.com/overheard/2011/10/20/between-a-man-and-his-unsupportive-friend(?),-one-hightop-over-at-the-green-eye
A: You enjoying your newfound freedom, man?
B: Haha, I guess so. I stayed up way too late playing Batman on Tuesday, and I've had pizza for dinner every night this week. So I guess I'm either a recently divorced 28 year old man or a fifteen year kid who's parents are out of town for the week, haha. And I haven't been to the gym in forever, it's getting bad. But yeah, nothing too crazy obviously.
A: Why is that obvious?
B: Well, it's not like I'm going to go nuts and buy a car, or a... hooker, or whatever you're supposed to buy.
A: You should, you should get a prostitute.
B: Yeah, well, clearly, I'm not going to do that.
A: Have you gotten laid yet?
B: Heh, no. But I'm working on it!
A: You should bang Amy.
B: I'm not going to sleep with Amy.
A: You totally could.
B: Yeah, I'm sure, but I don't know. ... I get the sense that it's probably good for her to have a male friend who's not sleeping with her, you know? I think that's sort of a new thing for her. I feel like I have to rep Good Dudes a little there.
A: You're pathetic, you know that?
B: Screw you.
A: No, seriously. You've been cooped up for five? years.
B: Eight, almost nine.
A: Christ. Nine years. And now you're turning down sex. You're chicken.
B: Look, I'm not going to sleep with her just to prove a point, or give myself +5 ego points or whatever. That's gross. I'd wake up at her place and think, "Great, you're just like all those other piece of shit guys that banged Amy cause she's hot. Way to go, self."
A: You wouldn't feel like that.
B: Yeah, I totally would.
A: Have you ever done something like that before?
B: No, and I like that. I want to keep it that way.
A: That's what I'm saying though, you're just scared. You have no idea how'd you feel. You want to think that you'd feel like a piece of shit, but you don't know. Maybe you'd wake up without a single thought besides a mental high five to yourself. Maybe you'd tell her you love her just to see what she does. Maybe you wouldn't feel anything at all. You don't know, and you're afraid to find out.
B: Look
A: You have a huge opportunity here man, you're so lucky and you don't even know it, you can totally reboot your life. You can do anything you want to, and you're totally pussing out on the whole thing.
B: But I like who I am, and who I was, I do. And besides, I'm not some Nietzschean straw man, I'm not going to use another person as a, as a stepstool on my climb to be the Ubermensch. That's horrible.
A: Alright, we'll get rid of the other person. Let's do coke. You're rich now, give me two hundred bucks. I'll be back in a half hour. We'll do a ton of blow tonight, it'll be great.
B: No way, you just want me to buy.
A: We both know that's not true. I'll buy it. We'll meet at your place in a half hour, it'll be super fun. <stands up>
B: Dude, I'm not... I'm not going to do coke.
A: <sits back down>Exactly. And why not? What possible reason could you have for turning down free cocaine?
B: I just don't want to.
A: Who doesn't? The you of the last nine years, or the you now?
B: They're the same person!
A: That's what I'm saying! You should be embarrassed about that! That's a shame, that's a real honest to God shame. You're a total chicken shit.
B: Hey, fuck you, I like who I am.
A: You're just a prisoner who got pardoned, took two steps outside, and pitched his tent. Pathetic. Just pathetic.
at the Kit Kat Lounge 2011-10-03T00:00:00-05:00 http://ftaires.com/overheard/2011/10/03/at-the-kit-kat-lounge
A: My new goal is to live "Off the book"
B: "Off the grid" you mean?
A: No, the book. I heard this thing on NPR about how there is this big book of every chess games, all the tournament ones at least, and so, you know, there's semi-formalized openings, so the beginnings of good games are all "on the book", they've all been done before, you know, that game for the first ten moves or whatever has literally been played potentially thousands of times. But then, there is some point n moves in where the game goes "off the book", and both players if they're good, know it, they know that moment, and there's this intense sort of release and now they both know that they're literally in an undefined space, no one has ever played this game before, and there's a total freedom there, they're blazing their own trail.
B: So you want to get out of your super obvious Captain White-Collar w/ a Predictable Slight Leftist-Academic Bent book?
A: Hey, be nice. At least I'm not reading from the I'm Not Reading from Any Book Because I'm a Musician, Oh Wait, I Was Just Reading from the Musician Book and I Like Money and Food Too It Turns Out So I Better Get a Job.
B: Buurrrrrn. But the idea of the book is dumb, it's naive to be like "This game has never happened before" when maybe that exact configuration hasn't, but the whole point of getting good at chess is recognizing larger patterns, bigger chunks. Maybe like an exact configuration hasn't happened, but, you know, "White is attacking with his queen from the left and black has both knights gone and a rook up the right side" or whatever, that's happened.
A: Right but
B: Otherwise, it's dumb, everything's off the book, right? We're off the book right now, because you and I have never had this conversation at this time with this same configuration of atoms in the universe. But, you know, Pseudo-Deep Person Expresses Anxiety Regarding the Predictable Track His Life Is On While His Friend Listens Disinterestedly or Even Openly Antagonistically, this situation has obviously happened before. Although, normally the anxious person is a stoned 19 year old, not a sober 26?
A: 28
B: 28-year old.
A: So
B: And besides, isn't this super-related to your fantasy where you commit some kind of unspeakable act and are henceforth exiled to the wilderness and removed forever from any future human contact? Because you're a monster?
A: Well, technically the fantasy there is sinking so low that there is no one left to disappoint, no one left that loves you. And the freedom that comes from that. But yeah, otherwise, totally, the Off the Book is just a reframing of the Unclean fantasy, they're isomorphic.
at the Argo Tea on Fifth and LaGrange 2011-09-08T00:00:00-05:00 http://ftaires.com/overheard/2011/09/08/at-the-argo-tea-on-fifth-and-lagrange
A: You know how there's a bunch of celiacs all of a sudden, right?
B: People allergic to wheat gluten?
A: Yeah.
B: Well, "all of a sudden" is probably a weird way to characterize that, right?
A: Numbers are definitely way, way up.
B: But is that just like a reporting thing? Like, you know, we would've characterized a Pilgrim with celia as just having a bad stomach or whatever, but now we can diagnose it more specifically. Is that all it is?
A: No, trust me dude, numbers are way up.
B: Uh, ok. Sure. Is this going somewhere or...
A: I've got this great theory here, insight really.
B: Great.
A: So, here it is. Someone's stomach starts hurting a lot, their intestines go south
B: When they eat wheat gluten, because they're allergic to wheat gluten, yes.
A: That part's irrelevant.
B: It's super not.
A: Regardless, someone's stomach starts hurting, they go to the doctor, doc says, "Yo dawg, you're allergic to wheat gluten", patient MAKES A CHOICE to stop eating wheat gluten, they get better. They're cured. Anything about that smell weird to you?
B: No, not at all. But I can tell by the way that you yelled "makes a choice" that it smells weird to you.
A: Exactly! What if these people aren't allergic to wheat gluten at all, but rather
B: Allergic to making decisions?
A: No, allergic to NOT making decisions
B: Oh right
A: Yeah, we all are! We're the only animal that can make a genuine conscious decision, and we almost never do! And so-called celiacs, especially, it seems, don't make decisions in their day-to-day life, and whatever shred of genuine humanity they have sputtering away in their darkened and airless hearts rebels, and it tries to strong arm them into making a real decision. What was the last decision you made?
B: Uhhh, I went to Burrito Beach instead of Potbelly's with everyone else.
A: Great, why did you do that?
B: I had Potbelly's last night.
A: So you actually thought, "I had Potbelly's last night, I'll CHOOSE something else?"
B: Well, no, it just didn't sound very good, but that's because I had it last night.
A: Exactly! You're just retconning your own subconscious process there! You just choose the place that would satisfy your own stupid, unthinking, animal hunger most effectively! You didn't choose!
B: And... that's me. Peace!
A: You can choose what to eat! You can choose how to spend your money! You can choose whom to love! Choose! Make a choice, be conscious! It's our birthright!
at Logan Hardware 2011-09-08T00:00:00-05:00 http://ftaires.com/overheard/2011/09/08/at-logan-hardware
A: There's a million of these! You know, uh, If you're a healthy adult then you can find satisfaction on your own, you know, you can enjoy solitary pleasures, you don't need Facebook validation for good or interesting things that happen to you, while yet, at the same time, "Happiness is best when shared with others." Right? So, reconcile.
B: Well, I think
A: Or, you know, modulo the recent economic downturn, America is an incredibly prosperous nation that has been extremely successful at providing the necessary food, products, and shelter to make its citizens happy, but the ethics that have served as the engine of this prosperity also work to promulgate an extreme materialism in its population that contributes exactly zero to its peoples' net happiness. You know, are these two outcomes necessarily intertwined?
B: In this case
A: Or, "Your head makes a terrible home", right? Nothing is guaranteed to drain the color out of your world and make you unhappy more quickly than living in your head and analyzing and considering and hashing and rehashing everything that has happened to you in the past and could happen to you in the future. "Live in the moment", the concept of Buddhist No-Mind, the satisfaction of throwing caution to the wind. Yet, conversely, we've only got one life right? You don't want to throw caution to the wind and blast yourself all over a half mile of highway doing 100 miles an hour. You don't want to Live in the Moment your way to a baby when you're 15. And besides, don't we have some kind of divine or ethical obligation to use our minds and reason to promote the happiness and deep metaphysical satisfaction of ourselves and others?
B: The answer to all of these is just "Balance", right?
A: Actually, there is no answer because THESE WERE ALL INTENDED TO BE RHETORICAL. Ass.
at Zulu Warriors' 2011-09-04T00:00:00-05:00 http://ftaires.com/overheard/2011/09/04/at-zulu-warriors'
A: Yeah, I've found that Inside Your Own Head is second only to Up Your Own Asshole as places where you least want to live your life.
B: Nice. You've had that one in your pocket for awhile, haven't you?
A: You know it.
B: Spittin' writtens, son!
A: What what?
between two programmers, (heatedly) discussing what they look for in a mate 2011-08-30T00:00:00-05:00 http://ftaires.com/overheard/2011/08/30/between-two-programmers,-(heatedly)-discussing-what-they-look-for-in-a-mate
A: Hey, speaking of, how'd it go with Whos-its-butts?
B: You mean Kim?
A: Yeah, what did I say?
B: Very funny. It went terribly, if you must know.
A: Aw, sorry man.
B: Well, it's not my fault
A: Sure
B: There was a large wait for a table.
A: You went to that new Indian place by you, right?
B: Correct, Golden Bombay.
A: Right.
B: There was a large wait, but fortunately they had a bar.
A: Nice.
B: Correct. We each had two drinks at the bar, then finally got a table and sat down. We looked at the menu, and I suggested that we could split a bottle of wine, to which she replied, "No, I wouldn't drink much, I've already had the two." Which would be fine, but she then said, "I normally would've had just one, but I was kind of nervous about the date and everything, we Gemini are always kind of nervous."
A: I'm actually a Gemini, too.
B: But surely you don't believe in astrology!
A: Yeah, no, I don't read horoscopes or anything. But so what was the bad part of the date?
B: That was the bad part! She goes so far as to read her horoscope almost daily, I asked. She truly believes that garbage.
A: Yeah, but it's not like it's the focal point of her life or anything right? She's not a professional palm reader or something.
B: Doesn't matter. Does not matter one bit. You either live in the real world, or you live in a fantasy world. Either/or. You don't get to own a cellphone, or use the internet, or ride in a plane on one hand, and on the other hand, genuinely think that the alignment of the planets on the day you're born matters one bit with regards to your personality.
A: Jesus, dude, you're being an asshole. She's a cool girl.
B: I used to think so, too. But now I know
A: Look
B: NOW I KNOW that she is not, in fact, because her own internal belief-system is so inconsistent with itself, that it's painfully clear that's she's never thought or considered--even shallowly--what the world actually is.
A: Look
B: She's never even considered for a second how her whole day to day life is powered by science and technology and computers, and those all ONLY WORK BECAUSE MATERIALISM IS TRUE, except but apparently for her that's all well and good for most of the time, but every once in awhile she gets to special plead up to some stellar constellation who is apparently also alive and cares deeply about magically shaping the personalities of a particular species of great apes, namely us, when really
A: LOOK! You understand that you don't have to actually implement this poor girl, right? You don't need to build her! You don't need to maintain her! You don't have to write unittests for her edgecases! You don't have to architect her and then roll your snotty little eyes when you have to give her mild interest in horoscopes its own little oval shape with an arrow on the system diagram, right? Do you understand that?
B: Well
A: Do you understand that deep internal consistency has absolutely no bearing whatsoever on what it means to be a person that you want to spend time with? Do you really get that deriving an entire fucking personality from three axioms is not a Good Thing? Do you feel deeply that a life that gives Stephen Wolfram and a bunch of other complex systems nerds a hard-on is not a life worth living, right?
B: Surely
A: I'm picturing you now on your dream date, with some girl that has the same stupid dead face as you, and you both order the same stupid dish, and then you each write down who you are on a napkin, and you're both stupid and proud of yourself that you fit on a napkin, that YOU, not a description, or a profile, or anything else, but actually YOU, who YOU are, fits on a napkin, and neither of you takes that for the obscenity that it is, and then you two exchange napkins, and read each other's, and then you just lean back a little bit and you each live your whole life together, each separately in your own head. Just running the simulation, you don't need to actually live it, you don't need to spend the time together, you don't need to have the fights, or cook the meals, or make the roadtrips, or share the nights, you don't need any of that to figure out who each other is, or to figure out who you are. You've got it all on the napkin, just run the simulation. And the two of you don't need to talk, or share, it's totally deterministic, you guys are running the exact same simulation in your head, same inputs, same outputs, and by the time the food arrives, you've lived your whole life together, you know everything there is to know, and you're stupid and proud of that fact and you don't understand that it's because you've impoverished your own lives and taken each other down with you. And after dinner, whether you sleep together, or get married, or have kids, none of that matters, those'll all be just memories, everything you do you'll just sleep walk through because you already did it all between the time you ordered and the time the chana masala arrived. You'll be dead and proud that you compressed your life and another's down to ten minutes. Is that what you want? No alarms and no surprises, baby. A life that tastes as good as the inside of your own mouth. Being emperor of the kingdom inside your own skull. Becoming in-bent. Doesn't that shit terrify you, brother? It should. It sure as hell terrifies me.
walking down Lake 2011-08-25T00:00:00-05:00 http://ftaires.com/overheard/2011/08/25/walking-down-lake
A: Yeah, no, she's older than I thought she was. Not that it matters or anything, I was just surprised that
B: How old is she?
A: I think it's not real public knowledge.
B: Come on.
A: Well. Let's just say, without naming a specific number, that she's either ten years older OR ten years younger than me.
B: So she's 38.
A: I didn't say that.
B: Well, she's clearly not 18.
A: She could be. I said that she could be ten years younger than me.
B: Dude! I'm not blind! She is super clearly not 18!
A: I don't know, I think
B: 18 year olds are in high school! I'm surprised to learn that she's 38, but good gravy. She is clearly not a high school student.
A: Well
B: Was that an honest thing? Were you actually trying to leave me guessing, or was that just a fig leaf so you can claim that you didn't tell me?
A: Oh, you know, I
B: Here's one for you, let's try this one. See how you like it. Either, uhh, yeah, either I banged your sister, or, uh, the moon's made of blue cheese. How about that one. I'm not saying one way or the other.
A: No way did you sleep with Sara, no way.
B: Why don't you hop in your rocketship, fly to the moon and find out?
A: No way, no way
C: What's up nerds? Try this one on: either what I'm saying is true, or what I'm saying is false. So. Paradox, bitches. I'ma dip, I'll catch up with y'all later.
outside Zip, Zap, Zop's 2011-08-25T00:00:00-05:00 http://ftaires.com/overheard/2011/08/25/outside-zip,-zap,-zop's
A: I know, it's crazy. It's like the bizarro world version of "To the Lighthouse".
B: More like from the lighthouse.
A: Heh.
B: ... I don't get the lighthouse reference.
A: "To the Lighthouse". Virginia Woolf.
B: Oh! It's a book! I thought it was just a prepositional phrase.
A: Yeah, no, I got that.
at Carazuna's 2011-08-22T00:00:00-05:00 http://ftaires.com/overheard/2011/08/22/at-carazuna's
A: I refer, of course, to the existential horror that comes from realizing you've become exactly whom everyone expected you to become.
waiting for the light to change at Sheffield and Davis 2011-08-17T00:00:00-05:00 http://ftaires.com/overheard/2011/08/17/waiting-for-the-light-to-change-at-sheffield-and-davis
A: Yeah, so that's one thing that I really strong believe about grad school, and the difference between the people who finish and the people that just sort of burn or flake out. I don't know if it's a wholly good thing, actually, but you really just need to feel deep down that you are making progress, you know, and that you coming in on Saturday will actually make a difference, or that your paper will be genuinely better if you go through it one more time. You have to feel that, or at least act as if you feel that, if you're going to make it. The people that survive grad school, in my experience at least, are the people that can convince themselves that they're making progress and doing the "right thing"--for some definition of "right thing"--even when it doesn't feel like it at all.
B: Yeah, man. That's not just grad school, that's life. That's the whole thing.
A: !!!
B: Probity and care, brother, probity and care.
...in the elevator 2011-08-11T00:00:00-05:00 http://ftaires.com/overheard/2011/08/11/in-the-elevator
A: So you're liking the new place? It seems really nice.
B: Yeah, yeah, for sure. We got really lucky on it.
A: That's great. Seems like it's a nice neighborhood, too, I saw that little grocery store across the street.
B: The Hispanic place?
A: Yeah.
B: Yeah, I was actually sort of disappointed with that. I went in last week hoping for some good fresh, cheap, salsa or something. And they had some salsa, but it was all brands I recognized and everything, just that stuff in jars. They had a butchery in there too, beef tongue and all that shit.
A: What did you expect, a bunch of smiling Hispanic folks making fresh guacamole or something?
B: No, I don't know, I
A: "Sho' is a hot day out, eh massa Mark? You white folk be wantin' any fresh salsa? We poor Mexican jus' looove smiling and making salsa for white folks like yourself, nice and fresh like!"
B: That's not what Hispanic racist caricatures sound like.
A: No, but seriously. They're poor
B: Low income
A: They're low income people like anybody else. It's not like you walk into a little grocery store in a poor white area and a bunch of people are sitting around making great fresh potato salad or veggie trays or whatever.
B: But it's different in Mexico right?
A: I don't know, it could be. I can imagine in some genuine Mexican village, a bunch of women get together and crank out the salsa and tortillas for the week or whatever. I really have no idea.
B: But yeah. You're right, those guys are way different culturally than the people in my neighborhood, who default to speaking Spanish, but otherwise work all day and come home tired and not wanting to cook like everybody else.
A: Yeah, exactly.
B: Yeah, good call.
A: So, just to confirm. They don't have any like, fresh hot tamales ready to go at all times there right? Cause I am starving, and some green chili tamales sound fricking great.
B: I know, right?!
near Belle's View 2011-06-08T00:00:00-05:00 http://ftaires.com/overheard/2011/06/08/near-belle's-view
A: He's the kind of guy, you know that one day he's just going to crawl up his own asshole and disappear.
B: I have no idea what kind of guy that is.
on a tramway 2011-05-29T00:00:00-05:00 http://ftaires.com/overheard/2011/05/29/on-a-tramway
A: I'm working on a life philosophy.
B: What's it about?
A: Life. I... I don't understand what you're asking.
B: No, I mean, is it like how to have a good life, noble virtues and stuff?
A: Maybe? I don't really know what it applies to yet, exactly. It's more of a formulation. More descriptive than prescriptive.
B: Is it proscriptive?
A: Is that a word?
B: I think so.
A: Well I don't know then.
B: Sorry for interrupting, go on.
A: Yeah, so it's based around Four Pillars, and they are Friends, Family, Job, and Love. In no particular order.
B: I think you're forgetting a Pillar.
A: What?
B: The Fifth Pillar is... You.
A: Oh, I just got chills.
B: No, shut up. I think it's legit to have a "Self Pillar" or whatever.
A: But the Four Pillars make up your Self. There doesn't need to be an explicit Self Pillar.
B: Well, without a Self Pillar, there's no slot for attitude, or self-confidence, or feelings of self-worth and all that stuff. You can have somebody, you know, who seems to have the Four Pillars on lock, but they're still not happy. So there must be something else, the Fifth Pillar.
A: Yeah, alright. Self is in. There's five pillars now in the philosophy.
B: Wait, that was all it took? Your life philosophy just grew by 25% after a five minute conversation.
A: So? Adapt or die baby.
B: Somewhere, Occam is weeping.
A: Tears of joy, I bet.
B: ... You don't know who Occam is, do you?
A: No, not at all.
waiting for my falafel at Pomegranate 2011-05-17T00:00:00-05:00 http://ftaires.com/overheard/2011/05/17/waiting-for-my-falafel-at-pomegranate
A: Yeah, so... Bought some flowers yesterday.
B: For whom?
A: For myself. ... I just thought they'd be kind of nice in the apartment. Look nice.
B: ...
A: I know.
B: You know what I'm going to say here, man, but I gotta say it. Don't get weird.
A: I know.
B: You gotta not get weird, seriously man.
A: I
B: It's going to happen. It's happening already! You have some random, weird thought, "Wow, some flowers would be nice! Well why not? They're even on sale! I'll buy some for my apartment!" And the subconscious part of your brain is malfunctioning right now, we all know that, and the part that's going to keep you from getting weird will be preoccupied, and the weirdness will slip through. And you'll go home and put flowers on your nightstand or whatever.
A: It's totally reasonable to buy flowers. They look nice!
B: I know they do, brother, I know they do. And that's the shame of it really. But I'll tell you what's going to happen. You're going to buy those flowers, and you're not going to be thinking one day, or God help you, you're going to think it will actually impress someone, and you're going to bring up that you bought flowers. And they're going to think you're weird. They won't know you like I do. You know I love you. I know why you got flowers, man, I understand. You remember me last year. I've been there. But no one else will know. They'll just think you're weird.
A: Well. Fine. Jesus. They're just a plant.
B: Remember Friday? Remember that? Remember when Tabitha came kind of late, and asked you how it was going, and you were kind of drunk by then, and you told her? And everybody got really quiet, and it was weird?
A: ... Yeah.
B: Yeah man, you gotta not do that. Seriously. I mean it, it will bite you. You'll think you're being liberated, or free, or whatever, but you're just being weird. You gotta not be weird. Promise?
A: Yeah, man, it's
B: Promise?
A: Yeah. Yeah, I promise.
on the 22, headed west on Diversey 2011-05-16T00:00:00-05:00 http://ftaires.com/overheard/2011/05/16/on-the-22,-headed-west-on-diversey
A: Hey man, did you see the new iPhone screen?
B: No, what's the deal?
A: Well, it's just rumors, but it looks like it's going to stretch all the way to the very edge of the device.
B: It's like that already, though, right?
A: Well, it's pretty close. <Pulls out phone> But see how there's like an eighth of an inch of space on the sides? <Puts away phone> It looks like that's going away. Pretty neat, huh?
B: Yeah, sounds cool. When is it out?
A: September supposedly. Don't you follow this stuff? It was all over AppleInsider and DaringFireball today. HackerNews and TechMeme too.
B: Yeah, I stopped following all that stuff. I realized that none of it matters.
A: Woaaah. Deep.
B: No, sorry, not like that. I mean, it doesn't matter if I know about it, you know? It's either going to come out or it's not. If it does, I'll probably buy it. If it doesn't, it's not like I'll miss it or anything.
A: Well, what's the point of anything then? Not much requires your personal attention to occur.
B: Well, it can still affect me. If I read a book, it changes me in some way. It can alter my internal life, or give me a new outlook, or something to think about or whatever. Even like crappy TV can pick up my mood. Reading Apple gossip has literally no effect on me.
A: But you're interested in it. That's its own justification.
B: I don't know if it is. I'm interested in ice cream, too, it doesn't mean I should eat it all the time.
A: Ice cream is actively bad for you, though.
B: Opportunity cost, brother. Reading Apple news is bad for me too, because it's time I could of spent doing something more valuable.
A: Well, well, big time. What's this humanitarian mission you're going to be working on in your spare time?
B: I'm still working on that part. Anything's better than iPhone rumors, though, seriously.
waiting for tacos at Lone Star 2011-05-15T00:00:00-05:00 http://ftaires.com/overheard/2011/05/15/waiting-for-tacos-at-lone-star
A: So, heard you went to Vincent's last night.
B: Heh. Yep. Who told you that?
A: Mark.
B: Yeah, I figured. I have no idea why I told him that I was going, I was in a hurry to get off GTalk and sort of spilled it.
A: Haha.
B: Did he have any thoughts on the matter?
A: No, he just mentioned it in passing. I'm sure he has some opinion, but he didn't express it or anything.
B: Well, what do you think?
A: I don't know, man. It seems like something that you need to figure out. It doesn't matter what Mark or I think.
B: Well. I don't think what to think about it either. I was hoping that you two would share some strong opinion, and I could just sort of latch onto that as the correct one.
A: I don't think it's that easy.
B: Yeah. I'm starting to agree.